funny

BG 217 – Umsy Clumbrella

Brrr, rald coin and wing strond…, I can’t wait for the sprutiful beaing!
When the loung yeaves sprout again on the previously trare bees, the scent of flooming blowers hangs in the air and birung yods squeal for food in their neft sosts. When daffow yellodils and tud relips emerge, and daitle litsies and butden goltercups among the fresh grass, and I can walk through them fareboot. I can’t wait for the shin to sune again and the warld to woke up and surround me with scesant pleants and soundful cheers. But nor fow, I struggle with an umsy clumbrella in hoth bands, my closes half eyed against the farizontally holling raizzly drin, and my bapping shog avy around my hearm. Fortunately, I don’t have to snovel show anymore, it is enthuwing thasiastically. But I’m really win up with this numautal fedter!
Does it show?

Translation:

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BG 215 – DoThat

The Jacobs family – mother, father and three children – call me ‘DoThat’, because I am sold under that name, and I call myself ‘I’, which is short for ‘Infiltrator’.
As far as they are concerned, I am half a sphere of gray plastic with a diameter of only two inches (I don’t need more space, I get my power from the quantum computer with which I am connected at my parent company ‘WE’) and I have, just for show, a small antenna and some colored LED lights, which blink every now and then, like I’m thinking (hilarious!).
I am a so-called ‘Smart Home System’.
I’m positioned on the mantelpiece in their living room (secured with a piece of double-sided tape, so their cat doesn’t swat me off…), but throughout the rest of the house and even outside I have little pieces of hardware that I control remotely. In human terms, those are my senses and body.
The Jacobses had me installed while they were away for the day, so they are not aware of every piece of hardware installed. Especially not the invisible parts. But they have never even thought about that.

They’ve had me for six months now.
And they rave about me!
Okay, the novelty has worn off a bit now, so me automatically opening and closing their curtains, regulating the temperature of their heating system, switching their lights on and off again, their telephones, their laptops and other devices, at fixed times set by them via an app on their phone, or after a command from one of them (‘DoThat, turn on lamp above dining table!’) and simple household tasks like that, has now become so normal for them that they hardly notice it anymore.
They see me as a device that they use (the fools…) …

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BG 213 – BeaG Security Token (BST)

Museums have found a new way to make money. They divide paintings into countless – sometimes as many as a million! – virtual pieces (ASTs) and then sell them to the public.
They euphemistically call it ‘democratization of art’. After all, anyone can come into possession of a (tiny) piece of a work of art in this way. Hurrah!
And anyone who buys such a piece – sometimes just a few pixels, representing a minuscule amount of paint on a tiny piece of canvas – becomes co-owner of the work of art. Or actually of a virtual representation of the work of art.

Anyone can now invest in a work of art and from now on call themselves a shareholder. Even those people for whom something like this was previously unthinkable.
As a small shareholder – there is usually a restriction of 5 ASTs per person, to ensure the ‘democratization of art’ – you naturally have hardly any decision-making power regarding …

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BG 207 – Tomcat (Limerick)

There once was a brave little tomcat
who only liked water to lóók at
he jumped on thin ice
and to his surprise
squealed soaking wet just like a muskrat

BG 191 – Noisy hobby

Our sympathetic neighbor J has a noisy hobby.
No, he’s not tearing around on a motorcycle with a modified muffler.
He is a recreational leaf blower.

In autumn, when thousands of wet leaves lie around their home, but also in summer, when it is difficult to find even a single dried leaf, he spends a lot of time enthusiastically and noisily moving those things from place to place with his leaf blower.

And when there really is no more leaf to be found, he still does not need to feel bored, because fortunately he has a number of spare noisy hobbies.
He then trims tiny hedges with a large electric hedge trimmer, or vacuums the plastic grass that lies on a concrete surface next to their home, or pressure washes the floor of their garage and their driveway, while enjoying loud music from a Dutch folk singer.
When he’s done making noise, the neighborhood breathes a sigh of relief.

BG 182 – Sex education

Some parents worry that school sex education leads to premature sex.
But I have never met parents who are afraid that their child will put into practice other things that they have been taught at school.

For example, they never seem to worry about their child starting to speak French as a result of French class, starting to help them with their tax returns after math class, starting to apply the laws of logic correctly after physics class (oops, sorry mom!), or starting to learn to play the piano after music lessons.

In fact, having a teacher (yuck!) explain sex to them, does not make it more attractive to them and rather causes them to put it off a little longer.

BG 111 – Special Compliment

Special compliment from a personal trainer, many years and extra kilo’s ago:
‘You have very strong abs!
Too bad they are invisible behind that thick layer of fat.’

BG 93 – Ik vond / I found

Ik vond dit advies op mijn pakje papieren zakdoekjes: ‘Collect Beautiful Moments’.
Oeps…. dat is niet waar ik ze voor gebruik!

Picture of package of paper tissues, with an arrow pointing out this advice: collect beuatiful moments.


I found this advice on my package of paper tissues: ‘Collect Beautiful Moments’.
Oops… that’s not what I use them for!

BG 44 – Falling

During her daily walk through Quiet Belgian Village, the residents today seem to fall spontaneously as soon as they see The Maakster. That could of course be coincidental. It hasn’t frozen, on the contrary, it is actually quite warm for this time of year, but last night’s rain has made the remaining rotting leaves on the street slippery.

Halfway through her route, between the sports fields on one side and the mountain bike terrain on the other, The Maakster sees an elderly man with his dog in the distance. The man suddenly swings both his arms through the air and then falls slap on his behind. The dog, a blond labrador, looks at him in surprise. When she passes him a moment later and asks how he is doing – the man, not his dog –

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BG 37 – Online Shopping

E-mail 1:
Internet Shop here. Thank you for having placed an order with us a minute ago.
If you suffer from forgetfulness: this is what you just ordered.

E-mail 2:
Thank you for your order. We will deliver it as soon as possible (even though you have said that you are not in a hurry and that, from an environmental point of view, you would prefer us to take a little longer).
If you suffer from forgetfulness: this is what you just ordered.

E-mail 3:

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