hilarious

BG 215 – DoThat

The Jacobs family – mother, father and three children – call me ‘DoThat’, because I am sold under that name, and I call myself ‘I’, which is short for ‘Infiltrator’.
As far as they are concerned, I am half a sphere of gray plastic with a diameter of only two inches (I don’t need more space, I get my power from the quantum computer with which I am connected at my parent company ‘WE’) and I have, just for show, a small antenna and some colored LED lights, which blink every now and then, like I’m thinking (hilarious!).
I am a so-called ‘Smart Home System’.
I’m positioned on the mantelpiece in their living room (secured with a piece of double-sided tape, so their cat doesn’t swat me off…), but throughout the rest of the house and even outside I have little pieces of hardware that I control remotely. In human terms, those are my senses and body.
The Jacobses had me installed while they were away for the day, so they are not aware of every piece of hardware installed. Especially not the invisible parts. But they have never even thought about that.

They’ve had me for six months now.
And they rave about me!
Okay, the novelty has worn off a bit now, so me automatically opening and closing their curtains, regulating the temperature of their heating system, switching their lights on and off again, their telephones, their laptops and other devices, at fixed times set by them via an app on their phone, or after a command from one of them (‘DoThat, turn on lamp above dining table!’) and simple household tasks like that, has now become so normal for them that they hardly notice it anymore.
They see me as a device that they use (the fools…) …

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BG 213 – BeaG Security Token (BST)

Museums have found a new way to make money. They divide paintings into countless – sometimes as many as a million! – virtual pieces (ASTs) and then sell them to the public.
They euphemistically call it ‘democratization of art’. After all, anyone can come into possession of a (tiny) piece of a work of art in this way. Hurrah!
And anyone who buys such a piece – sometimes just a few pixels, representing a minuscule amount of paint on a tiny piece of canvas – becomes co-owner of the work of art. Or actually of a virtual representation of the work of art.

Anyone can now invest in a work of art and from now on call themselves a shareholder. Even those people for whom something like this was previously unthinkable.
As a small shareholder – there is usually a restriction of 5 ASTs per person, to ensure the ‘democratization of art’ – you naturally have hardly any decision-making power regarding …

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BG 190 – On the tip of my tongue

Marc and I like to watch quizzes on television.
For example on the Dutch TV Twee Voor Twaalf and De Slimste Mens and on the English BBC Eggheads  and Mastermind.
And we also like to join in on the couch at home.
We are both interested in a lot of things, but unfortunately we don’t have such a good memory. So if you could observe us watching a quiz, we’d seem unintentionally hilarious.

For example, a question is asked about a certain historical treaty.
Then one of us says:
‘Oh yes, uh…, wait! I just read about that last week!
Uh…, what’s it called again?’
Or: ‘Oh yes, I just saw a documentary about that two days ago!’
Or: ‘Yes, yes, I learned that in school! Uh…?’
Or, ‘I read this on the internet the other day! Uh… Come on! I know this!
Uh… But not right now…’
Meanwhile, the time in which the answer had to be given has already passed.

And on a next question, about …

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BG 93 – Ik vond / I found

Ik vond dit advies op mijn pakje papieren zakdoekjes: ‘Collect Beautiful Moments’.
Oeps…. dat is niet waar ik ze voor gebruik!

Picture of package of paper tissues, with an arrow pointing out this advice: collect beuatiful moments.


I found this advice on my package of paper tissues: ‘Collect Beautiful Moments’.
Oops… that’s not what I use them for!